You've Been Warned...

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday. It was quite a show. First of all, I got there and wasn't expecting to have any pelvic checking performed. Nonetheless, after my shower earlier that morning, I gave a quick spray of FDS, just in case, and thank goodness, they weren't "out" of the the "gynecological wipes" provided in the restroom as I left my "sample." Lucky for him.

The doctor came in and I told him of my daily contractions (numbering upward toward 20-30 per 24-hours) and he said he wanted to run a test called: Fetal fibronectin. Apparently this can detect a certain protein released by the cervix which would indicate if I'll go into labor within the next 2 weeks. They called today and said the results were negative, so looks like she's safe for at least 2 weeks.

Anyway, he came in and told me he wants to do this test. He gave me a drape and told me to drop my drawers (rofl I love this guy). He left the room for about 10 minutes and returned with his nurse. By this time, I was sweating and my bare butt was stuck to the paper on the table. I made the mistake of not moving around so it wasn't airing out in those 10 minutes.

So he tells me to put my feet in the stirrups and come down to the end of the table. As I'm doing what I was told, the dang paper I was sitting on TORE right in half!! Here I am with a paper wedgie scooting my big ol' belly down closer to the edge of falling off the table. I apologize for being large and sweaty and he laughed and told me it was ok and not to get a complex that I was too big.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I had some major gas and need to jump off and sprint to the bathroom; paper wedgie and all. (I made some awesome minestrone soup the previous night and with all those beans and vegetables, well, let's say I'm no longer constipated)...

Knowing I couldn't very well just jump out of stirrups and run down the hall to the toilet, I did my best to practice my kegels to keep the contents of my lower bowel contained IN MY LOWER BOWEL.

As I was trying to control my breathing and keep things in my belly, I was suddenly reminded that I had shaved only a few days prior and was halfway BALD down there!!! (That's right, HALFWAY. I got frustrated at trying to lift my belly and gave up mid-way through the beautifying project) I wanted to snap my legs shut and never make eye contact again, but I just stared at the ceiling and blushed.

He finished, and with the help of Thong, the doctor and his nurse, I managed to get my now completely glued, paper-laden butt from the edge of the vinyl table back to the center where I was no longer in danger of falling off. As I sat there, all I could think of was that my bare butt was now sitting straight on the vinyl table without anything separating me from Lord knows who else's butt dew that had ripped the paper and stuck there before mine.

The end result: He said I'm not dialated, still measuring big and everything else looks good. Except my homemade haircut.